Thursday, February 21, 2008
The March of Progress and Other News
This Article Brought to You In Hi-Def
The spat over which high definition video system would dominate the market has been decided. The winner: The one with the silly name that doesn't really describe what it is. With Blu-Ray the new gold standard in video image technology, consumers can now go out and replace their film collections, confident that they won't have to just replace them again for at least another year or two.
Taxman, Mr. Thief
Nicolas "Miscast" Cage has been accused of tax fraud, allegedly using his production company to write off $3.3 million in personal expenses. The total taxes Cage is disputing are $814,000 while his production company is refusing to pay an additional $988,000. Sounds like a lot, eh? Those dastardly tax officials, always trying to screw the struggling multi-millionaire, someone who gets more money for doing maybe three or four months of actual work in a year than anyone reading this site will likely see in their entire life. Damn shame, really.
Barely Legal
Lindsay Lohan has set the fists of millions of internet browsing men a blazing with her recent nude photo session. In the finest work of her career, the strung out, freckled piece of jailbait stripped down for a shoot identical to one done by Marilyn Monroe. I'm sure we can all look forward to Ms. Lohan copying Monroe's final pose: overdosing on barbiturates and collapsing naked on the floor.
Top at the Box Office This Week
1. "Jumper," or "We Have This Special Effect and By God We're Going to Use It." Hayden Christensen plays some handsome asshole who gains amazing abilities without making any effort and instead of using them to better the world decides to fulfill all of his juvenile power fantasies. We're supposed to cheer for him.
2. "The Spiderwick Chronicles." And the post "Lord of the Rings"/"Harry Potter" fantasy franchise clusterfuck continues. 50/50 chance this is a giant marketing ploy rather than a film, but I have no interest in seeing it in any case, so I'll let it slide.
3. "Step Up 2 the Streets." Did somebody forget at some point that dance movies don't have to take place in some Hollywood dreamland version of "the ghetto" and that they can have actual plots happening in the background? Or am I just feeling nostalgia for a thing that never really existed?
4. "Fool's Gold." Holy fucking crap, does this look rancid. Is this why we let the writer's strike end? So we could get more of this?
5. "Definitely, Maybe." Could you be more vague?
6. "Welcome Home, Roscoe Jenkins." Another film depicting black people in one of the only two or three ways they seem palatable to a mass audience: The close knit family unit (the others being drug dealers and break dancers). Martin Lawrence continues to try and cover his bad habits with bland family comedies.
7. "Juno." The joys of teenage pregnancy, minus the consequences.
8. "The Bucket List." Topping the chart on the emotion-o-meter.
9. "Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus: Best of Holy Fucking God I Weep For Our Culture."
10. "27 Dresses." You know, movies don't have to be mediocre. They can actually be exciting and interesting and thought-provoking and original and fun. However, by settling for movies like this rather than something new and thrilling, we work to lower the standards of our culture and dumb ourselves down until we can no longer recognize quality cinema. This film is a symptom of our national disease.
Have a pleasant day.
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Lawyers, Guns and Money
Just Thinking
I wonder what Thora Birch is up to these days. I always thought she was pretty.
Strike Down
The writer's strike is officially over. They didn't win much and nobody really noticed they were gone (nobody with a life outside of television, that is), but boy was it a goofy ride. We got rid of the Golden Globes for a year, but still have to endure the Oscars. A bunch of crappy shows were forgotten about and a few good ones were put on hiatus. Screenwriters can now go back to being ignored for another decade.
Scamarama
New Line Cinema is being sued by the estate of J.R.R. Tolkien and publisher HarperCollins, as it seems there was a minor little accounting error in that New Line forgot to pay up something in the area of $150 million dollars. Oops. In similar news, Mel Gibson is being sued by the screenwriter of "The Passion of the Christ" because Mel had told him there wasn't a lot of money available for the script, despite the fact that the film had a $30 million budget and made more than half a billion. So basically, Gibson stiffed the Word of God on the bill. Who would have thought batshit crazy people could be so manipulative?
Celebrity Causealicious
Steven Spielberg has stepped down as the artistic adviser to the 2008 Olympics in Beijing. His reason? China is not doing enough to help end the genocide in Darfur. Amazing how some people will have such a one track mind. THAT IS THE REASON YOU CHOOSE NOT TO WORK WITH CHINA!? FOR A HUMAN RIGHTS ABUSE THEY AREN'T EVEN PERPETRATING? Mia Farrow put the icing on the cake by sending a letter to the president of China asking him to sever ties with Sudan (which is where China gets two thirds of its oil supply. Even if China was able or willing to make that sacrifice to end the genocide, I don't think Sudan would have trouble finding another buyer). So instead of stepping down and complaining about the vast multitude of human rights violations that the Chinese government does ON ITS OWN IN ITS OWN COUNTRY, these nitwits have somehow managed to tie everything to their trendy pet cause. I guess it doesn't count as a crime against humanity unless Brad Pitt stands in front of it.
I wonder what Thora Birch is up to these days. I always thought she was pretty.
Strike Down
The writer's strike is officially over. They didn't win much and nobody really noticed they were gone (nobody with a life outside of television, that is), but boy was it a goofy ride. We got rid of the Golden Globes for a year, but still have to endure the Oscars. A bunch of crappy shows were forgotten about and a few good ones were put on hiatus. Screenwriters can now go back to being ignored for another decade.
Scamarama
New Line Cinema is being sued by the estate of J.R.R. Tolkien and publisher HarperCollins, as it seems there was a minor little accounting error in that New Line forgot to pay up something in the area of $150 million dollars. Oops. In similar news, Mel Gibson is being sued by the screenwriter of "The Passion of the Christ" because Mel had told him there wasn't a lot of money available for the script, despite the fact that the film had a $30 million budget and made more than half a billion. So basically, Gibson stiffed the Word of God on the bill. Who would have thought batshit crazy people could be so manipulative?
Celebrity Causealicious
Steven Spielberg has stepped down as the artistic adviser to the 2008 Olympics in Beijing. His reason? China is not doing enough to help end the genocide in Darfur. Amazing how some people will have such a one track mind. THAT IS THE REASON YOU CHOOSE NOT TO WORK WITH CHINA!? FOR A HUMAN RIGHTS ABUSE THEY AREN'T EVEN PERPETRATING? Mia Farrow put the icing on the cake by sending a letter to the president of China asking him to sever ties with Sudan (which is where China gets two thirds of its oil supply. Even if China was able or willing to make that sacrifice to end the genocide, I don't think Sudan would have trouble finding another buyer). So instead of stepping down and complaining about the vast multitude of human rights violations that the Chinese government does ON ITS OWN IN ITS OWN COUNTRY, these nitwits have somehow managed to tie everything to their trendy pet cause. I guess it doesn't count as a crime against humanity unless Brad Pitt stands in front of it.
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
Top at the Box Office This Week
1. "Hanna Montana/Miley Cyrus: Best of Both Worlds Concert Tour." Pardon me, but what the holy living fuck? The Disney Channel and its tween money making machines invade the cinemas. Debby Gibson only wishes she could have attained this level of corporate synergy.
2. "The Eye." Another Asian horror remake, this time of something that's actually good. The movie itself and everyone involved can go rot for all I care, so long as this gets somebody to put the original back in print on DVD.
3. "27 Dresses." This is the exact kind of romantic comedy that makes most men want to castrate themselves with a dull, rusty knife. Phenomenally attractive woman can't find a man who appreciates her? Watches the man she loves get married to her sister and has to help, but has a darkly handsome man in the background who seems to understand her? Will it all work out in the end, or will everyone die in a subway station during a terrorist nerve gas attack? I would prefer to let it remain a mystery.
4. "Meet the Spartans." Another in an increasingly dour selection of pop culture parody films that seem to work mostly as a scam. Throw enough obvious pop culture references into a plot that you make up as you go along, keep the production values low and add a few C-list celebs and you are bound to get enough idiots to spend their disposable income on it to make a profit.
5. "Rambo." Did you see that scene where he obliterates that one guy with that gigantic machine gun at point blank range? That was awesome. Rambo continues in his life-long goal of exterminating the entire population of Southeast Asia while grunting unintelligibly.
6. "Juno." So what do you think next year's "Little Miss Sunshine," indie comedy no-hope Oscar nominee will be? I think it will have something to do with a precocious teenage girl who is interested in crossword puzzle competitions, whose step-father is Icelandic and whose mother collects porcelain ballerina figurines. Clap Your Hands and Say Yeah! will work on the soundtrack. It will be directed by a unicorn.
7. "The Bucket List." Cancer is a big sell. Cancer and road movies about old people.
8. "Untraceable." I think it's hilarious how Hollywood seems to think that computers can do anything. Shot in Portland, OR, so I'll give it some props for good taste. Though it should have starred either Sandra Bullock or Ashley Judd.
9. "Cloverfield." I don't generally go for projects that cause fanboys to cream in their pants months before the release. Experience has taught me that such buzz is generally a sign of eventual disappointment. However, watching NYC get laid to waste always gives me a special kind of thrill.
10. "There Will Be Blood." Yes. Yes there will.
2. "The Eye." Another Asian horror remake, this time of something that's actually good. The movie itself and everyone involved can go rot for all I care, so long as this gets somebody to put the original back in print on DVD.
3. "27 Dresses." This is the exact kind of romantic comedy that makes most men want to castrate themselves with a dull, rusty knife. Phenomenally attractive woman can't find a man who appreciates her? Watches the man she loves get married to her sister and has to help, but has a darkly handsome man in the background who seems to understand her? Will it all work out in the end, or will everyone die in a subway station during a terrorist nerve gas attack? I would prefer to let it remain a mystery.
4. "Meet the Spartans." Another in an increasingly dour selection of pop culture parody films that seem to work mostly as a scam. Throw enough obvious pop culture references into a plot that you make up as you go along, keep the production values low and add a few C-list celebs and you are bound to get enough idiots to spend their disposable income on it to make a profit.
5. "Rambo." Did you see that scene where he obliterates that one guy with that gigantic machine gun at point blank range? That was awesome. Rambo continues in his life-long goal of exterminating the entire population of Southeast Asia while grunting unintelligibly.
6. "Juno." So what do you think next year's "Little Miss Sunshine," indie comedy no-hope Oscar nominee will be? I think it will have something to do with a precocious teenage girl who is interested in crossword puzzle competitions, whose step-father is Icelandic and whose mother collects porcelain ballerina figurines. Clap Your Hands and Say Yeah! will work on the soundtrack. It will be directed by a unicorn.
7. "The Bucket List." Cancer is a big sell. Cancer and road movies about old people.
8. "Untraceable." I think it's hilarious how Hollywood seems to think that computers can do anything. Shot in Portland, OR, so I'll give it some props for good taste. Though it should have starred either Sandra Bullock or Ashley Judd.
9. "Cloverfield." I don't generally go for projects that cause fanboys to cream in their pants months before the release. Experience has taught me that such buzz is generally a sign of eventual disappointment. However, watching NYC get laid to waste always gives me a special kind of thrill.
10. "There Will Be Blood." Yes. Yes there will.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Dead Celebrities and Other Meaningless Crap
Hunky Guy Dies
Actor Heath Ledger died in his hotel room yesterday. The autopsy was inconclusive, but I'm going to go ahead and call it and say it was an "accidental" sleeping pill overdose. I hate it when really popular people die. Not because I like them, mind you, but because it means everyone will now spend the next couple of months talking about how wonderful the deceased person was. That he was a moderately attractive man (in a what we might call a "gay cowboy" kind of way) means that he will be lauded as a tortured genius, which is an unmitigated load of crap, but to say otherwise somehow makes you insensitive. Basically what I'm trying to say is that, all apologies to his friends and relations, I feel about the same way about Ledger's death as I do about a new Uwe Boll movie: I wish it did not have to happen, but only because hearing about it causes me a mild irritation.
This Study Has Been Rated "Bullshit"
The MPAA recently announced that its study about how movie piracy on college campuses causes billions in lost profits was slightly flawed, in the sense of being completely wrong. The study was a way to pressure college campuses that provide high speed internet access to students into cracking down on illegal downloads. I guess along the way someone must have realized that it is in fact impossible to estimate "losses in profit from digital piracy" with anything resembling accuracy and that any numbers associated to such a study are generally pulled out of someone's ass.
Oscar Fever! (Catch It!)
The nominations for the 80th Annual Academy Awards were just announced (well, recently announced, in any case). Though the writer's strike could potentially cut the ceremony's legs out from under it (please oh please oh please), that doesn't mean it doesn't present a fine gambling opportunity.
Here are the nominees for the big ones:
Best Picture:
"Atonement": Based on a piece of actual literature, also with British accents. A shoe in.
"Juno": Taking over "Little Miss Sunshine"'s slot for quirky indie comedy that doesn't have Eskimo's chance in Hell of ever winning this award. Funny movie, but not the best picture of this or any other year.
"Michael Clayton": George Clooney acting serious and lawyerly.
"No Country for Old Men": Violent death and bad haircuts. Has my vote.
"There Will Be Blood": Might not win for best picture, but will win my personal award of "Ass-kickingest Title of the Year."
Best Actor:
George Clooney, for "Michael Clayton": It was bound to happen one of these days.
Daniel Day-Lewis, for "There Will Be Blood:" He ought to get an award for just consenting to make a movie.
Johnny Depp, for "Sweeney Todd": You have got to be kidding me. If looking serious and singing while caked in blood and dressed all goth is all it takes to get an Oscar nom, why not just give the award to the lead singer of Skinny Puppy?
Viggo Mortensen, for "Eastern Promise": The man looks like he hasn't taken a crap since high school. He's a shoe in.
Best Actress:
Cate Blanchett, for "Elizabeth: The Golden Age": Haven't we gone through this?
Julie Christie, for "Away from Her": Never heard of it. Never will again.
Marion Cotillard, for "La Mome": Sure. Okay.
Laura Linney, for "The Savages": I can see that.
Ellen Page, for "Juno": She played a girl who put out for a guy like Michael Cera in high school. She has my vote.
Other Highlights: A former stripper was nominated for the Best Original Screenplay award. Michael Moore's "Sicko" was nominated for Best Documentary, which means we have to pretend to care about what Michael Moore has to say about something for a few more minutes. Also, another fucking movie about fucking penguins was nominated for Best Animated Feature Film. Do you know that penguins molest children and eat kitten fetuses? And they would gladly kill an Alzheimer's suffer without a second thought, if they had the chance? I fucking hate movies about penguins. Unless it is a movie about penguins getting eaten by killer whales. I love killer whales. Especially when they are in the wild, where they are free to devour penguins at will, the way God intended.
Actor Heath Ledger died in his hotel room yesterday. The autopsy was inconclusive, but I'm going to go ahead and call it and say it was an "accidental" sleeping pill overdose. I hate it when really popular people die. Not because I like them, mind you, but because it means everyone will now spend the next couple of months talking about how wonderful the deceased person was. That he was a moderately attractive man (in a what we might call a "gay cowboy" kind of way) means that he will be lauded as a tortured genius, which is an unmitigated load of crap, but to say otherwise somehow makes you insensitive. Basically what I'm trying to say is that, all apologies to his friends and relations, I feel about the same way about Ledger's death as I do about a new Uwe Boll movie: I wish it did not have to happen, but only because hearing about it causes me a mild irritation.
This Study Has Been Rated "Bullshit"
The MPAA recently announced that its study about how movie piracy on college campuses causes billions in lost profits was slightly flawed, in the sense of being completely wrong. The study was a way to pressure college campuses that provide high speed internet access to students into cracking down on illegal downloads. I guess along the way someone must have realized that it is in fact impossible to estimate "losses in profit from digital piracy" with anything resembling accuracy and that any numbers associated to such a study are generally pulled out of someone's ass.
Oscar Fever! (Catch It!)
The nominations for the 80th Annual Academy Awards were just announced (well, recently announced, in any case). Though the writer's strike could potentially cut the ceremony's legs out from under it (please oh please oh please), that doesn't mean it doesn't present a fine gambling opportunity.
Here are the nominees for the big ones:
Best Picture:
"Atonement": Based on a piece of actual literature, also with British accents. A shoe in.
"Juno": Taking over "Little Miss Sunshine"'s slot for quirky indie comedy that doesn't have Eskimo's chance in Hell of ever winning this award. Funny movie, but not the best picture of this or any other year.
"Michael Clayton": George Clooney acting serious and lawyerly.
"No Country for Old Men": Violent death and bad haircuts. Has my vote.
"There Will Be Blood": Might not win for best picture, but will win my personal award of "Ass-kickingest Title of the Year."
Best Actor:
George Clooney, for "Michael Clayton": It was bound to happen one of these days.
Daniel Day-Lewis, for "There Will Be Blood:" He ought to get an award for just consenting to make a movie.
Johnny Depp, for "Sweeney Todd": You have got to be kidding me. If looking serious and singing while caked in blood and dressed all goth is all it takes to get an Oscar nom, why not just give the award to the lead singer of Skinny Puppy?
Viggo Mortensen, for "Eastern Promise": The man looks like he hasn't taken a crap since high school. He's a shoe in.
Best Actress:
Cate Blanchett, for "Elizabeth: The Golden Age": Haven't we gone through this?
Julie Christie, for "Away from Her": Never heard of it. Never will again.
Marion Cotillard, for "La Mome": Sure. Okay.
Laura Linney, for "The Savages": I can see that.
Ellen Page, for "Juno": She played a girl who put out for a guy like Michael Cera in high school. She has my vote.
Other Highlights: A former stripper was nominated for the Best Original Screenplay award. Michael Moore's "Sicko" was nominated for Best Documentary, which means we have to pretend to care about what Michael Moore has to say about something for a few more minutes. Also, another fucking movie about fucking penguins was nominated for Best Animated Feature Film. Do you know that penguins molest children and eat kitten fetuses? And they would gladly kill an Alzheimer's suffer without a second thought, if they had the chance? I fucking hate movies about penguins. Unless it is a movie about penguins getting eaten by killer whales. I love killer whales. Especially when they are in the wild, where they are free to devour penguins at will, the way God intended.
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Top at the Box Office This Week
1. "The Bucket List." Cancer? It's hilarious! Rob Reiner panders for an Oscar the only way he knows how: Calculated heart string tugs and old warhorse actors riding the cliche coaster.
2. "First Sunday." Stars the same people but is not related to the "Friday" series (thank you lord for small mercies), though looks to be about as big of a comedic train wreck. Watching Katt Williams mince around as a choir director looks to be a good substitute for an ipecac, so bulimics take note.
3. "Juno." The indie comedy quirkfest of the year. "Arrested Development" cast members, a script written by a stripper, highly precocious teenagers and a soundtrack that is just too indie-rock precious for words.
4. "National Treasure: Book of How Does Nicolas Cage Get By With That Idiot Smirk of His? He Is The Worst Fucking Action Star I Can Imagine Short of Jimmy Fallon"
5. "Alvin and the Chipmunks." This is real? I thought it was a sick, elaborate joke that everyone was playing on me. Amazing how one novelty song could lead to 50 years of unmitigated shit.
6. "I Am Legend." Every celebrity's self-perception come to life: They are the only real human being and everyone else is just a diseased parasite.
7. "One Missed Call." The J-horror crap factory strikes again. Do you think it involves a ghost? And telecommunication technology?
8. "P.S. I Love You." Movies: Now with emotions.
9. "The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything: Except Sell Christian Morality to an Undifferentiating, Unreflective Mass Audience of Faith Bound Jesus Spawns."
10. "Atonement." By the way, it's adapted from something.
2. "First Sunday." Stars the same people but is not related to the "Friday" series (thank you lord for small mercies), though looks to be about as big of a comedic train wreck. Watching Katt Williams mince around as a choir director looks to be a good substitute for an ipecac, so bulimics take note.
3. "Juno." The indie comedy quirkfest of the year. "Arrested Development" cast members, a script written by a stripper, highly precocious teenagers and a soundtrack that is just too indie-rock precious for words.
4. "National Treasure: Book of How Does Nicolas Cage Get By With That Idiot Smirk of His? He Is The Worst Fucking Action Star I Can Imagine Short of Jimmy Fallon"
5. "Alvin and the Chipmunks." This is real? I thought it was a sick, elaborate joke that everyone was playing on me. Amazing how one novelty song could lead to 50 years of unmitigated shit.
6. "I Am Legend." Every celebrity's self-perception come to life: They are the only real human being and everyone else is just a diseased parasite.
7. "One Missed Call." The J-horror crap factory strikes again. Do you think it involves a ghost? And telecommunication technology?
8. "P.S. I Love You." Movies: Now with emotions.
9. "The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything: Except Sell Christian Morality to an Undifferentiating, Unreflective Mass Audience of Faith Bound Jesus Spawns."
10. "Atonement." By the way, it's adapted from something.
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
Assholes and Elbows
On the Hour Britney Update
Britney Spears' car was towed and impounded recently. Nude photos of her were also recently sold to an Australian tabloid for a reported $57,000. She's also an oversexed piece of trailer trash with the cognitive ability of a butternut squash and will probably be the first against the wall if the revolution comes, assuming her naked corpse isn't found in a Burger King dumpster within the next year or so.
You Can't Say 'Prostitute' Without 'Protest'
The writer's strike continues... to not have any noticeable influence on my life outside of the joy of watching the entertainment industry swallow itself whole. Warner Bros. is expected to begin firings starting on Friday and the Golden Globes have been cut down to an hour long press conference and it looks like something similar might happen to the Oscars. And that, well, that would just be a darn shame.
HA HA HA HA HA HA! FUCK YOU, HOLLYWOOD! FUCK YOU ALL TO HELL!
I tried. Somehow I've been having trouble taking this all too seriously. All of these assholes have all had it too easy for too long. I'm sure they will have it easy again shortly and nothing substantial will change, but until then you can all fucking rot, the writers who want to be paid better for their shitty, formulaic work ("According the Jim" is off the air indefinitely? Boo fuckin' hoo) and the producers who green light any piece of shit they think will get a few extra chuckles and a couple extra million from the lobotomized mall rat demographic.
News Flash!
Amy Winehouse did some shit to her hair. She's also a malnourished junkie who is wasting her talent on childish excess and will soon be dead and hailed as a genius despite her overall insignificance.
Britney Spears' car was towed and impounded recently. Nude photos of her were also recently sold to an Australian tabloid for a reported $57,000. She's also an oversexed piece of trailer trash with the cognitive ability of a butternut squash and will probably be the first against the wall if the revolution comes, assuming her naked corpse isn't found in a Burger King dumpster within the next year or so.
You Can't Say 'Prostitute' Without 'Protest'
The writer's strike continues... to not have any noticeable influence on my life outside of the joy of watching the entertainment industry swallow itself whole. Warner Bros. is expected to begin firings starting on Friday and the Golden Globes have been cut down to an hour long press conference and it looks like something similar might happen to the Oscars. And that, well, that would just be a darn shame.
HA HA HA HA HA HA! FUCK YOU, HOLLYWOOD! FUCK YOU ALL TO HELL!
I tried. Somehow I've been having trouble taking this all too seriously. All of these assholes have all had it too easy for too long. I'm sure they will have it easy again shortly and nothing substantial will change, but until then you can all fucking rot, the writers who want to be paid better for their shitty, formulaic work ("According the Jim" is off the air indefinitely? Boo fuckin' hoo) and the producers who green light any piece of shit they think will get a few extra chuckles and a couple extra million from the lobotomized mall rat demographic.
News Flash!
Amy Winehouse did some shit to her hair. She's also a malnourished junkie who is wasting her talent on childish excess and will soon be dead and hailed as a genius despite her overall insignificance.
Friday, December 7, 2007
Top at the Box Office This Week
1. "Enchanted." How many simpering, punalicious headlines do you think will be published above the reviews for this one? If you guessed "This is why I don't read newspapers anymore," than you are correct.
2. "Beowulf." Robert Zemeckis takes his freakish, hideous looking motion-capture animation process to pointless-albeit-goofy new heights by adapting the Old English classic to the big screen in such a way as to make it look like the cinematic sequence in a video game (you know, the part you skip over to get to the fun stuff). By the way, what is it about Neil Gaiman that causes almost everything he's written for the big screen to hit that key pitch of mediocrity that makes you forget it almost as soon as it is out of your line of sight?
3. "This Christmas." By the way, did you know that black people also celebrate Christmas? And that they can make saccharine, painfully obvious family dramas about it as well? Director Preston A. Whitmore II decides to rebound from making one of the worst movies of all time by becoming a Tyler Perry alternative.
4. "Hitman," which will go down in history as one of mankind's greatest crimes. Was there some lack of films about bald men with guns that I was not informed about? Because I was pretty sure we were all good and done with those.
5. "Awake." Hayden Christensen in the role he was born to play: Someone who is conscious yet anesthetized.
6. "Fred Claus." Concept: Santa Claus's personal life. Hollywood Strategy: Pound this concept so far into the fucking ground that you have to get a stepladder just to see the lower reaches of Hell.
7. "August Rush." Who goes to see movies like this? Is it like some sort of outpatient thing? Do they spend a lot of time crying?
8. "The Mist." The inexhaustible Stephen King back-catalog farts up another winner. It must be a little weird for Frank Darabont to be known as "the most consistent cinematic interpreter of the works of Stephen King." I guess it's better than being known as "that no-talent douche that directed 'The Majestic'."
9. "Bee Movie." Jerry Seinfield makes his triumphant return from being an retired obscenely overpaid television actor by staring in a computer animated film that exists as a pure force of marketing will. Will everyone please try to remember that Jerry Seinfield is not what made "Seinfield" a good show and that he has sucked in almost every other thing he has done before or since. As an actor he is incapable of playing anyone other than himself and as an comedian his shtick was old long before he became popular. Just something to remember the next time around, before we all go giving him the benefit of the doubt again.
10. "No Country for Old Men." A fine return to form for the Coen brothers, widely regarded as one of the best films of the year and overall a pretty bitchin' sounding piece of work. And currently earning less than every other movie on this list.
2. "Beowulf." Robert Zemeckis takes his freakish, hideous looking motion-capture animation process to pointless-albeit-goofy new heights by adapting the Old English classic to the big screen in such a way as to make it look like the cinematic sequence in a video game (you know, the part you skip over to get to the fun stuff). By the way, what is it about Neil Gaiman that causes almost everything he's written for the big screen to hit that key pitch of mediocrity that makes you forget it almost as soon as it is out of your line of sight?
3. "This Christmas." By the way, did you know that black people also celebrate Christmas? And that they can make saccharine, painfully obvious family dramas about it as well? Director Preston A. Whitmore II decides to rebound from making one of the worst movies of all time by becoming a Tyler Perry alternative.
4. "Hitman," which will go down in history as one of mankind's greatest crimes. Was there some lack of films about bald men with guns that I was not informed about? Because I was pretty sure we were all good and done with those.
5. "Awake." Hayden Christensen in the role he was born to play: Someone who is conscious yet anesthetized.
6. "Fred Claus." Concept: Santa Claus's personal life. Hollywood Strategy: Pound this concept so far into the fucking ground that you have to get a stepladder just to see the lower reaches of Hell.
7. "August Rush." Who goes to see movies like this? Is it like some sort of outpatient thing? Do they spend a lot of time crying?
8. "The Mist." The inexhaustible Stephen King back-catalog farts up another winner. It must be a little weird for Frank Darabont to be known as "the most consistent cinematic interpreter of the works of Stephen King." I guess it's better than being known as "that no-talent douche that directed 'The Majestic'."
9. "Bee Movie." Jerry Seinfield makes his triumphant return from being an retired obscenely overpaid television actor by staring in a computer animated film that exists as a pure force of marketing will. Will everyone please try to remember that Jerry Seinfield is not what made "Seinfield" a good show and that he has sucked in almost every other thing he has done before or since. As an actor he is incapable of playing anyone other than himself and as an comedian his shtick was old long before he became popular. Just something to remember the next time around, before we all go giving him the benefit of the doubt again.
10. "No Country for Old Men." A fine return to form for the Coen brothers, widely regarded as one of the best films of the year and overall a pretty bitchin' sounding piece of work. And currently earning less than every other movie on this list.
Saturday, November 10, 2007
Workers of the World Unite
The Hollywood writer's strike continues. Sitcoms are closing production for lack of scripts, talk shows are dying on the vine with no material, "Saturday Night Live" is dead in the water and there is still no resolution in site. It...it...it's like heaven. Of course the writer's are right to be on the picket line, since the producers they have been negotiating with seem to have been competing in the Douchbag Olympics for the entire debacle, trying to see who can be the top asshole of the bunch. Here's the entire issue summed up for you:
Writers: "We believe we should be paid an additional 1/3 of a penny in residuals."
Producers: "I have a better idea: Why don't we just stop paying you any residuals? Now pardon me while I wipe my ass with this enormous pile of money."
In other strike related news: Ellen Degeneres is being lambasted by the striking writers for crossing the picket line to film her show. Ellen's reason for crossing the picket was that members of her audience had paid to be at the show and some had traveled across the country to be there (I guess that if you traveled across the country to see a talk show run by Ellen DeGeneres, you've probably faced enough disappointment in your life). In honor of the writers, DeGeneres chose not to do a monologue to open her show. Unfortunately, she failed to realize that appearing on television at all shows disrespect to the striking writers, not to mention, in her case, the rest of humanity.
In even more strike news, "Desperate Housewives" star Eva Longoria was taunted by the striking writers while trying to serve pizza to them on her way into work.Work of course being on the other side of the picket line. Apparently someone forgot to look up the word "solidarity" before deciding on this course of action, though the writers ought to have realized that it's an actor's second nature to pay lip service to popular causes without making any real personal sacrifice. Of course, Longoria has since decided to join the writers on the picket line. An easy choice to make, now that "Housewives" has shut down production and picketing will no longer be an inconvenience to her. I guess I shouldn't be surprised when wealthy, famous people become totally oblivious.
Writers: "We believe we should be paid an additional 1/3 of a penny in residuals."
Producers: "I have a better idea: Why don't we just stop paying you any residuals? Now pardon me while I wipe my ass with this enormous pile of money."
In other strike related news: Ellen Degeneres is being lambasted by the striking writers for crossing the picket line to film her show. Ellen's reason for crossing the picket was that members of her audience had paid to be at the show and some had traveled across the country to be there (I guess that if you traveled across the country to see a talk show run by Ellen DeGeneres, you've probably faced enough disappointment in your life). In honor of the writers, DeGeneres chose not to do a monologue to open her show. Unfortunately, she failed to realize that appearing on television at all shows disrespect to the striking writers, not to mention, in her case, the rest of humanity.
In even more strike news, "Desperate Housewives" star Eva Longoria was taunted by the striking writers while trying to serve pizza to them on her way into work.Work of course being on the other side of the picket line. Apparently someone forgot to look up the word "solidarity" before deciding on this course of action, though the writers ought to have realized that it's an actor's second nature to pay lip service to popular causes without making any real personal sacrifice. Of course, Longoria has since decided to join the writers on the picket line. An easy choice to make, now that "Housewives" has shut down production and picketing will no longer be an inconvenience to her. I guess I shouldn't be surprised when wealthy, famous people become totally oblivious.
Friday, October 5, 2007
Famous People Are Better People
The Sorrow and the Pity
Britney Spears recently lost custody of her children to ex-husband Kevin Federline. You realize what this means, don't you? It means your life is utterly valueless to society. It means that if you died tomorrow, your whole existence would have gotten less coverage than the minor trials and tribulations of some stupid, talentless bimbo.
The Brood
In other news that will totally devalue all of our lives, Jennifer Lopez is pregnant. Just try to imagine that woman as a mother. Imagine what that child will be like. Did scenes from "Mommie Dearest" flash through your mind? I sometimes feel sorry for these children born to insufferable, overbearing celebrities who treat them like accessories for as long as they are small enough to be carried. Then I realize that the children will probably become just as awful, only with twice the sense of entitlement. Then I start dreaming of the Cold War, when nuclear holocaust was a distinct possibility. Mmm. Good times.
Top at the Box Office This Week
1. "The Game Plan." Do you realize that the man who directed this also directed "She's the Man" last year? And is directing a remake of "Fame"? Where is your god now?
2. "The Kingdom." A politically charged drama that deals with issues at the forefront of world consciousness. And an advertising campaign that practically screams, "Arabs are weird and Jamie Foxx is going to kill them all."
3. "Resident Evil: Shitty Sequel, Part Deux." Good news for the series in that director Paul W. S. Anderson did not helm this entry. Instead they got someone who used to direct music videos for the Human League. I would say that's a about a 10% improvement.
4. "Good Luck Chuck." What is it about Dane Cook that makes me want to mess up his smirking face with a broken whisky bottle?
5. "3:10 to Yuma." I have no problem with this movie. Weird.
6. "The Brave One." It's always strange when revenge films come back into popularity. This one is interesting since the tone set by the marketing campaign seems to be "she's a merciless killer out for revenge, and isn't that just special? Good for her!"
7. "Mr. Woodcock." Someone should lose a testicle for greenlighting this film.
8. "Eastern Promise." I have no problem with this movie. Double weird.
9. "Sydney White." A pretty girl exploits a bunch of unattractive nitwits in order to further her social status. At least "Revenge of the Nerds" made the losers the focus of attention. Are we not allowed to display unattractiveness in a Hollywood film anymore without having some hefty-chested cheerleader standing in front of it?
10. "Across the Universe." You know, there's a reason that it's so difficult to license the music of the Beatles for a film. It's because people fuck it up so bad, so often. Have you seen the film "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band"? If you have, you will understand why the simple existence of "Across the Universe" gives me a headache.
Britney Spears recently lost custody of her children to ex-husband Kevin Federline. You realize what this means, don't you? It means your life is utterly valueless to society. It means that if you died tomorrow, your whole existence would have gotten less coverage than the minor trials and tribulations of some stupid, talentless bimbo.
The Brood
In other news that will totally devalue all of our lives, Jennifer Lopez is pregnant. Just try to imagine that woman as a mother. Imagine what that child will be like. Did scenes from "Mommie Dearest" flash through your mind? I sometimes feel sorry for these children born to insufferable, overbearing celebrities who treat them like accessories for as long as they are small enough to be carried. Then I realize that the children will probably become just as awful, only with twice the sense of entitlement. Then I start dreaming of the Cold War, when nuclear holocaust was a distinct possibility. Mmm. Good times.
Top at the Box Office This Week
1. "The Game Plan." Do you realize that the man who directed this also directed "She's the Man" last year? And is directing a remake of "Fame"? Where is your god now?
2. "The Kingdom." A politically charged drama that deals with issues at the forefront of world consciousness. And an advertising campaign that practically screams, "Arabs are weird and Jamie Foxx is going to kill them all."
3. "Resident Evil: Shitty Sequel, Part Deux." Good news for the series in that director Paul W. S. Anderson did not helm this entry. Instead they got someone who used to direct music videos for the Human League. I would say that's a about a 10% improvement.
4. "Good Luck Chuck." What is it about Dane Cook that makes me want to mess up his smirking face with a broken whisky bottle?
5. "3:10 to Yuma." I have no problem with this movie. Weird.
6. "The Brave One." It's always strange when revenge films come back into popularity. This one is interesting since the tone set by the marketing campaign seems to be "she's a merciless killer out for revenge, and isn't that just special? Good for her!"
7. "Mr. Woodcock." Someone should lose a testicle for greenlighting this film.
8. "Eastern Promise." I have no problem with this movie. Double weird.
9. "Sydney White." A pretty girl exploits a bunch of unattractive nitwits in order to further her social status. At least "Revenge of the Nerds" made the losers the focus of attention. Are we not allowed to display unattractiveness in a Hollywood film anymore without having some hefty-chested cheerleader standing in front of it?
10. "Across the Universe." You know, there's a reason that it's so difficult to license the music of the Beatles for a film. It's because people fuck it up so bad, so often. Have you seen the film "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band"? If you have, you will understand why the simple existence of "Across the Universe" gives me a headache.
Saturday, September 22, 2007
TV!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh joy and rapture, it's fall again, the time of year when the world dies in small, painful increments. What a perfect time for the start of the new television season and its vast cornocopia of crap. Here's a look at some of the new shows hitting us this year.
"Kid Nation"
Now here is a promising scenario: 40 kids in the a desert community with plenty of supplies and constant supervision build a "society" with pre-selected leaders and regulated social classes while also engaging in meaningless activities that ostensibly prove their worth as human beings but in fact are empty rituals. Can't imagine where they got the idea for this.
"Back to You"
Kelsey Grammer and that woman from "Everybody Loves Raymond" star in a sitcom about Pittsburg TV newscasters. Did you lapse into a slight coma while reading that? This is the sort of show that will probably last five to ten seasons without a single original thought, surviving simply because the network forgot to cancel it.
"K-Ville"
A cop show with a twist: It takes place in New Orleans. We will mention this fact over and over, because it is important. We won't make a program that depicts the city with any kind of reality, and we won't make anything better than the most mediocre, clichéd cop show, but just so you know: Katrina Katrina Katrina.
"Chuck" & "The Big Bang Theory"
There is nothing more awkward than watching television shows that painfully try to imitate coolness. Watching them imitate intelligence will probably end up being considered a war crime.
"Cavemen"
It's the cavemen from those Gieco commercials, in their own television show. This idea is so awful that it has actually gone past being a meta-show about awful television and come back around to just being an awful show.
"Moonlight"
He's a cop. And a vampire. Holy crap-in-a-hat do I not give a shit about this. Adding vampires to any concept on television automatically marks you as being completely and absolutely creatively bankrupt.
"Kid Nation"
Now here is a promising scenario: 40 kids in the a desert community with plenty of supplies and constant supervision build a "society" with pre-selected leaders and regulated social classes while also engaging in meaningless activities that ostensibly prove their worth as human beings but in fact are empty rituals. Can't imagine where they got the idea for this.
"Back to You"
Kelsey Grammer and that woman from "Everybody Loves Raymond" star in a sitcom about Pittsburg TV newscasters. Did you lapse into a slight coma while reading that? This is the sort of show that will probably last five to ten seasons without a single original thought, surviving simply because the network forgot to cancel it.
"K-Ville"
A cop show with a twist: It takes place in New Orleans. We will mention this fact over and over, because it is important. We won't make a program that depicts the city with any kind of reality, and we won't make anything better than the most mediocre, clichéd cop show, but just so you know: Katrina Katrina Katrina.
"Chuck" & "The Big Bang Theory"
There is nothing more awkward than watching television shows that painfully try to imitate coolness. Watching them imitate intelligence will probably end up being considered a war crime.
"Cavemen"
It's the cavemen from those Gieco commercials, in their own television show. This idea is so awful that it has actually gone past being a meta-show about awful television and come back around to just being an awful show.
"Moonlight"
He's a cop. And a vampire. Holy crap-in-a-hat do I not give a shit about this. Adding vampires to any concept on television automatically marks you as being completely and absolutely creatively bankrupt.
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