Opening This Week and the Top Ten

Opening This Week

The big one is the sequel to 2006's James Bond revision, the ball-flatteningly awesome "Casino Royale." Called "Quantum of Solace," this film picks up where "Casino" left off, with Daniel Craig James Bonding it the fuck up by running over rooftops and shooting things and wearing suits and generally just being a badass.

Some might wonder at my enthusiasm for these new Bond films given my dour view of everything else that's been released in the modern era. Basically, I just enjoy seeing an action film that feels real, uses CGI only when necessary and has a fairly smart script. I feel the same way about the new "Batman" films. Not necessarily the best movies ever, but how rare is it for you to experience a purely entertaining piece of cinema that doesn't insult your intelligence? It is very fucking rare, that's how rare. Let me have my moment.

Also opening is... fuck it. James Bond, motherfuckers!

Top Ten at the Box Office

1. "Madagascar: Escape 2 Mediocrity." Our lovable cast of talking animals runs through another hackneyed piece of rote comedy for the kiddies. Will anything of interest happen during the 89 minute running time? My prognostications say "no, nothing will happen."

2. "Role Models." Energy drinks plus assholes. Has there ever been a riper subject for comedy?

3. "High School Musical 3: Senior Year" Hey, Vanessa Hudgens. I saw your vag on the Internet. Just thought you should know.

4. "Changling." Clint Eastwood's latest piece of Oscar-bait, aiming for a "Chinatown," "wow wasn't Los Angeles interesting during the 1920s and 30s, it sure is the only city in the world where anything ever happened" thing.

5. "Zack and Miri Make a Porno." I'm split over this. A lot of people have told me it's funny, but on the other hand I want to see Kevin Smith lose his nuts in an accident with an industrial cheese grater. Decisions, decisions.

6. "Soul Men." A film about two former soul singers who reunite for one last concert. Stars Samuel L. Jackson and the ghostly visage of the late Bernie Mac.

7. "Saw V." Holy shit, are they still making these? I must have stroked off there for a month or so. People have noticed that these all suck, right? Like, with bad scripts and horrible acting and cinematography that wouldn't pass muster at a low-rent film school award show?

8. "The Haunting of Molly Hartley." Bland, cheap-ass PG-13 devil possession thing. Has Catholic schoolgirl uniforms going for it, but not much else.

9. "The Secret Life of Bees." Estrogen-fest. Not my kind of thing.

10. "Eagle Eye." I still refuse to believe the basic concept of this film, which is that someone actually wants to know what Shia LeBeouf is doing at any given moment. Because if it's not "drowning in a pool of his own mediocrity," then I can't conceive of anyone having an interest.