Opening Soon and Top Ten

Opening Tomorrow:

Tomorrow brings us the latest Oscar-bait from Spike Lee, "Miracle at St. Anna," which in some sort of strange Best Picture trifecta has managed to incorporate racial issues, religious overtones and WWII. Also opening in limited release is "Choke," the first Chuck Palahniuk adaptation since "Fight Club" (fuck you, "Fight Club").

Top Ten at the Box Office:

1. "Lakewood Terrace," in which Samuel Jackson plays an LAPD officer who torments his new interracial-couple neighbors. This is director Neil LaBute's attempt to wash away the shameful, toxic aftertaste of his "Wicker Man" remake with a punch-in-the-face obvious message film. The narration in the preview might as well just say, "The black guy is... A RACIST! It's a switcharoo!"

2. "Burn After Reading." The Coen brothers fill out the part of their contract that says they have to follow every classic with a couple of middling comedies. This film does remind me, however, that George Clooney is just about the only major Hollywood star I can actually look at and think, "You know, I don't mind that guy. I don't want him to die in a chemical fire or anything."

3. "My Best Friend's Girl." Speaking of dying in a fire...

4. "Igor." A lonely, abused outsider with dreams of greatness in a strange world, who happens to be voiced by John Cusack. This looks like gothic-light for the kiddie crowd, and I have about as much interest in it as I do in eating spoonfuls of mayo straight from the jar.

5. "Righteous Kill." Two men who have wasted their talent for a solid decade waste it together in a formulaic thriller.

6. "The Family That Preys." Tyler Perry seems to be competing in his own Shitty Family Drama Olympics. If that's the case, then he has another gold medal winner on his hands.

7. "The Women." A tale of drama, betrayal and revenge based on the 1939 classic. The entire cast, much like the audience, is female.

8. "Ghost Town." Ricky Gervais is haunted by the ghost of Greg Kinnear's acting career.

9. "The Dark Knight." Keeping Hot Topic in business for another season.

10. "The House Bunny." This is how much God hates you.

Top at the Box Office This Week

1. "Bangkok Dangerous." Sometimes films will do really well for simple lack of competition. If a three minute film of John Goodman drooling on himself had been released last week, it would have beaten this in total box-office earnings. The only reason to see a new Nicolas Cage film these days is to take a look at what outrageous hairstyle he's currently sporting.

2. "Tropic Thunder." Every time someone tells me that this is the funniest movie they have ever seen, I sigh a little and then wander quietly back to my apartment, where I lock the door and proceed to weep uncontrollably.

3. "The Dark Knight." Yeah, it was okay.

4. "The House Bunny." Watching the preview for this film is like receiving a sharp, sudden kick to the testicles.

5. "Traitor." Don Cheadle is a national security threat and must be stopped, with deadly force if necessary. He is also starring in this new film.

6. "Babylon A.D." Vin Diesel must save the world by jumping out of an airplane. I think we can all agree this is for the best, assuming he doesn't wear a parachute.

7. "Death Race." I think that NASCAR would be so much more entertaining if the drivers were rewarded points for running over their fans. Someone back me up on this.

8. "Disaster Movie." The existence of this film actually makes other, unrelated comedies less funny. This movie is to humor what genital warts are to human sexuality.

9. "Mamma Mia!" I think I might suffer from clinical depression.

10. "Pineapple Express." Oh, nope, wait a moment. I'm okay now.