Opening This Week:
"Disaster Movie." I'm pretty sure this was approved due to a horrible mistake on the studio's part. These films are to humor what AIDS is to Africa.
"Babylon A.D." "Children of Men"-lite for the bang-bang-go-boom crowd. It doesn't look half-bad for what it is, but I'm beginning to suspect that Vin Diesel must have some sort of clause in his contract stating that he has to jump from an exploding plane while strapped to a snowboard and firing a machine gun in every movie he appears in. I'm interested in seeing how that plays out in his upcoming Hannibal biopic (maybe jumping off an exploding elephant while strapped to a canoe and throwing a spear. Just an idea, Vin).
"College." Three high school seniors are in for a wild weekend when they visit a local college. They meet with an academic adviser, tour campus and begin work on their applications while weighing the option to attend the school or to look into financial aid so they can afford something out of state. Then they puke on themselves.
Top at the Box Office:
1. "Tropic Thunder." Little bit of a dust-up over this film regarding its use of the word "retard." Protesting the film seems to have worked wonders.
Just a quick note though: Using the word "retard" when referring to a person with a particular mental disability is cruel and mean-spirited. Using the word in its actual sense, which means "slow or limited in intellectual development," is a pretty funny synonym for "stupid." For example: "Protesting a comedy because it satirically used the word 'retard' is kind of retarded."
2. "The House Bunny." Speaking of retarded...
3. "Death Race." Bang, kaboom, whoop de fuck. If it doesn't have David Carradine with a grenade for a hand, then I don't really give a shit.
4. "The Dark Knight." Do you remember "Batman & Robin"? I guess by that standard this is the greatest thing to happen in all of cinematic history. But by most other standards it's a decent action film with one iconic performance that will inspire way too many Halloween costumes this year.
5. "Star Wars: The Clone Wars." Is it okay for me to say I don't really care all that much about "Star Wars"? Because I really don't. The original trilogy was pretty entertaining, to a point. But anything that has been associated to them since has been like some kind of weird anti-fun, causing joy to be sucked out of my life every time I encounter it.
6. "The Pineapple Express." Hey, Harold & Kumar! This is how you make a fuckin' stoner movie. Please pay attention.
7. "Mirrors." If you've seen the trailer then you can guess at this film's one spooky little trick it has to scare people with, which it no doubt drives into the ground. Looks about as frightening as a box of donut holes.
8. "Mamma Mia!" You can't stop it. The disease is inside of you.
9. "The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor." Whenever I look at the ads for this movie, I can't focus on them. It's like when the people in the movie "Dark City" try to remember if they've ever seen daylight. My consciousness won't accept that this film exists even though my memory tells me otherwise.
10. "The Longshots." Fred Durst directed this. By seeing this movie, you are directly supporting the career of Fred Durst. Mull that over for a moment and then consider doing some charity work as a way to protect your immortal soul.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Random Prick Assault Force
Who Watches the Watchmen? No One
20th Century Fox has engaged in what industry insiders generally refer to as a "dick move" and filed suit against Warner Bros. to stop the release of the highly anticipated "Watchmen" adaptation. Not to just get a cut of the profits, but to actually keep the multi-million dollar production from ever seeing the light of day. This suit is in regards to a spat over the adaptation rights, which Fox claims it still owned. They of course didn't decide to work this out before the much publicized film went into production, instead waiting until after it was completed and slated for a Spring 2009 release before suing.
Personally I couldn't really give less of a shit. I have no great hopes for the film right now and am one of the few people around who still thinks that some stories just aren't worth turning into movies, especially ones that are so tied into their original medium. But then again, Kevin Smith has seen the film and says it's going to be great, and we all know that Kevin Smith's taste in cinema is unimpeachable.
Here I am employing sarcasm to indicate that I do not actually think that highly of Kevin Smith's cinematic taste, and in fact think that everything the man says or does in his life ought to be struck from human memory.
Five Bees for a Quarter
John McCain had a fairly interesting gaffe recently. When asked at a press conference how many homes he owns, his response was that he couldn't remember and that he would have his staff check for him. Pundits are still split on which fact is more disturbing: That McCain can't remember how many homes he owns or that he has to have staff members go and count them for him.
So can someone explain to me why the Republicans have decided to nominate Grandpa Simpson to be their candidate for the nation's top office? A crotchety, hot-headed war hero who exaggerates his accomplishments, often outright lies and seems to have a slim grasp of current events doesn't strike me as being an entirely stable choice. He's referred to Vladimir Putin as the president of Germany, doesn't seem to know the difference between Sunni and Shia Muslims and has on multiple occasions referred to Czechoslovakia as if it were a current country, rather than one that split into two countries in 1993. One of these days I expect him to come out and tell the story about how he took the ferry to Shelbyville, because he needed to get a new heel on his shoe. So he tied an onion to his belt, as was the style at the time. They didn't have any white onions, because of the war. All they had were those big yellow ones...
20th Century Fox has engaged in what industry insiders generally refer to as a "dick move" and filed suit against Warner Bros. to stop the release of the highly anticipated "Watchmen" adaptation. Not to just get a cut of the profits, but to actually keep the multi-million dollar production from ever seeing the light of day. This suit is in regards to a spat over the adaptation rights, which Fox claims it still owned. They of course didn't decide to work this out before the much publicized film went into production, instead waiting until after it was completed and slated for a Spring 2009 release before suing.
Personally I couldn't really give less of a shit. I have no great hopes for the film right now and am one of the few people around who still thinks that some stories just aren't worth turning into movies, especially ones that are so tied into their original medium. But then again, Kevin Smith has seen the film and says it's going to be great, and we all know that Kevin Smith's taste in cinema is unimpeachable.
Here I am employing sarcasm to indicate that I do not actually think that highly of Kevin Smith's cinematic taste, and in fact think that everything the man says or does in his life ought to be struck from human memory.
Five Bees for a Quarter
John McCain had a fairly interesting gaffe recently. When asked at a press conference how many homes he owns, his response was that he couldn't remember and that he would have his staff check for him. Pundits are still split on which fact is more disturbing: That McCain can't remember how many homes he owns or that he has to have staff members go and count them for him.
So can someone explain to me why the Republicans have decided to nominate Grandpa Simpson to be their candidate for the nation's top office? A crotchety, hot-headed war hero who exaggerates his accomplishments, often outright lies and seems to have a slim grasp of current events doesn't strike me as being an entirely stable choice. He's referred to Vladimir Putin as the president of Germany, doesn't seem to know the difference between Sunni and Shia Muslims and has on multiple occasions referred to Czechoslovakia as if it were a current country, rather than one that split into two countries in 1993. One of these days I expect him to come out and tell the story about how he took the ferry to Shelbyville, because he needed to get a new heel on his shoe. So he tied an onion to his belt, as was the style at the time. They didn't have any white onions, because of the war. All they had were those big yellow ones...
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Dead Celebrity Hammer Throw
Fuck Multiculturalism
The big news in entertainment this week has been the veritable nationalistic orgy of the Beijing Olympics, which are about as exciting to me as clipping my toenails. Of course our whole nation is cheering on Michael Phelps, the gold-medal-winning machine of a swimmer. Swimming is basically an elaborate way to not sink under the water and drown; Phelps does it very quickly.
Do you remember during the Athens Olympics when Australian swimmer Ian Thorp said Phelps would never beat Mark Spitz's gold medal record? Apparently Phelps told Thorp to "go suck a dick" and has proceeded to wipe him out of the record books, and is now on track to exceed the Spitz record, powering his swimming performance on the gasoline of pure hate.
And that is truly what the Olympic games are all about.
Dead Celeb Coral
Couple of famous deaths this last week. Comedian Bernie Mac died of complications from pneumonia, while soul artist Isaac Hayes just up and died. In order to gauge my feelings about these events for you, let me updated my Death Response Priority List. In descending order of importance: Immediate family, close friends, pets, casual acquaintances, fictional characters, celebrities that I don't know personally, anonymous Chinese earthquake victims.
In response to Hayes' death, his former employers Matt Stone and Trey Parker had this to say: "Blippity bloppity blew Ron Paul."
Tom Cruise is a Penis
Tom Cruise has apparently been written out of an upcoming action film he was set to star in because he was considered too old to be a bankable action hero and that he no longer justifies his large paycheck. Since age has not stopped Bruce Willis, Harrison Ford, Clint Eastwood, Nicolas Cage or any number of other hobbling old coots from playing the hero role, it stands to reason that the real purpose for removing Cruise from a project is that he is in fact a large walking penis that squawks in something resembling a human dialect. His attempts to get a fourth "Mission: Impossible" film off the ground have also met with problems, since no one seems interested in creating a multi-million dollar vanity project starring a third-rate punchline who resembles an anthropomorphized genitalia.
The big news in entertainment this week has been the veritable nationalistic orgy of the Beijing Olympics, which are about as exciting to me as clipping my toenails. Of course our whole nation is cheering on Michael Phelps, the gold-medal-winning machine of a swimmer. Swimming is basically an elaborate way to not sink under the water and drown; Phelps does it very quickly.
Do you remember during the Athens Olympics when Australian swimmer Ian Thorp said Phelps would never beat Mark Spitz's gold medal record? Apparently Phelps told Thorp to "go suck a dick" and has proceeded to wipe him out of the record books, and is now on track to exceed the Spitz record, powering his swimming performance on the gasoline of pure hate.
And that is truly what the Olympic games are all about.
Dead Celeb Coral
Couple of famous deaths this last week. Comedian Bernie Mac died of complications from pneumonia, while soul artist Isaac Hayes just up and died. In order to gauge my feelings about these events for you, let me updated my Death Response Priority List. In descending order of importance: Immediate family, close friends, pets, casual acquaintances, fictional characters, celebrities that I don't know personally, anonymous Chinese earthquake victims.
In response to Hayes' death, his former employers Matt Stone and Trey Parker had this to say: "Blippity bloppity blew Ron Paul."
Tom Cruise is a Penis
Tom Cruise has apparently been written out of an upcoming action film he was set to star in because he was considered too old to be a bankable action hero and that he no longer justifies his large paycheck. Since age has not stopped Bruce Willis, Harrison Ford, Clint Eastwood, Nicolas Cage or any number of other hobbling old coots from playing the hero role, it stands to reason that the real purpose for removing Cruise from a project is that he is in fact a large walking penis that squawks in something resembling a human dialect. His attempts to get a fourth "Mission: Impossible" film off the ground have also met with problems, since no one seems interested in creating a multi-million dollar vanity project starring a third-rate punchline who resembles an anthropomorphized genitalia.
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
Coming Soon
Here's a look at a few of the cinematic tidbits that are ready to expand our film-loving pallet:
August 8: "Pineapple Express." A stoner action-comedy full of laughs and violence. Who could possibly be the audience for this? The trailer actually makes it look interesting and the cast is spot on, so this might be something to look forward to, though I'm still scratching my head as to how David Gordon Green ended up directing it.
Also opening is "The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2," which will give the other end of the marketing spectrum something to watch. It stars a bunch of women in their mid-20s as college freshmen who must go through the loves and frustrations involved with being contractually obligated to do a sequel they have no interest in.
August 15: "Star Wars: Clone Wars." An animated gap filler for the trilogy of prequels, this exists as a simple testament to the gullibility of science fiction fans and of George Lucas' pure and unabashed hatred for all that is good and pure in this world.
Also opening is "Tropic Thunder," which stars Ben Stiller, Jack Black and Robert Downey Jr. as action stars who end up acting as real soldiers for some oppressed peasant-folk. Sounds great doesn't it? It certainly isn't an unabashed rip-off of "The Three Amigos," right? It will most definitely not be an embarrassingly ham-fisted sub-satire, like "Zoolander" or "Cable Guy," the last two films Stiller directed himself, right?
August 21: "Death Race." Director: Paul W.S. Anderson. Synopsis: A "not-really" remake of the cult classic, "Death Race 2000." Status: Will suck worse than a Dyson vacuum.
Also opening is "Hamlet 2," which looks to be this year's requisite middling indie comedy hit. The soundtrack will sell well at least. They always do with these films.
August 28: "Disaster Movie." A more apt title has yet to be logged into the history of cinema.
Also opening is "College," which is a comedy. About college. You can fill in the rest from there.
August 8: "Pineapple Express." A stoner action-comedy full of laughs and violence. Who could possibly be the audience for this? The trailer actually makes it look interesting and the cast is spot on, so this might be something to look forward to, though I'm still scratching my head as to how David Gordon Green ended up directing it.
Also opening is "The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2," which will give the other end of the marketing spectrum something to watch. It stars a bunch of women in their mid-20s as college freshmen who must go through the loves and frustrations involved with being contractually obligated to do a sequel they have no interest in.
August 15: "Star Wars: Clone Wars." An animated gap filler for the trilogy of prequels, this exists as a simple testament to the gullibility of science fiction fans and of George Lucas' pure and unabashed hatred for all that is good and pure in this world.
Also opening is "Tropic Thunder," which stars Ben Stiller, Jack Black and Robert Downey Jr. as action stars who end up acting as real soldiers for some oppressed peasant-folk. Sounds great doesn't it? It certainly isn't an unabashed rip-off of "The Three Amigos," right? It will most definitely not be an embarrassingly ham-fisted sub-satire, like "Zoolander" or "Cable Guy," the last two films Stiller directed himself, right?
August 21: "Death Race." Director: Paul W.S. Anderson. Synopsis: A "not-really" remake of the cult classic, "Death Race 2000." Status: Will suck worse than a Dyson vacuum.
Also opening is "Hamlet 2," which looks to be this year's requisite middling indie comedy hit. The soundtrack will sell well at least. They always do with these films.
August 28: "Disaster Movie." A more apt title has yet to be logged into the history of cinema.
Also opening is "College," which is a comedy. About college. You can fill in the rest from there.
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