Monday, March 24, 2008

Top at the Box Office This Week

1. "Horton Hears a Who Gives a Shit!" Jesus Fucking Christ on an Fucking Pogo Stick, is this really the best we can do, America? Show some fucking self-respect for once.

2. "Meet the Browns." Tyler Perry indulges in his transvestitism again and pulls out another winner. Perry seems to have found the key to success in Hollywood: Find a formula that makes money and then plow it into the god damned Earth. I wonder why more people haven't tried this scheme? Ah, that's right. They have. And that's why as a culture we are being buried in a titanic mound of shit spewing forth from every available medium.

3. "Shutter." Creepy dead people in photos. Stars a "Grey's Anatomy" reject and an actress from a Michael Bay movie. Why not just spend the $8 bucks on some nails and a hammer with which to pound on your own or someone else's genitalia? Either way, it's much more entertaining, and you will have saved an hour and a half.

4. "Drillbit Taylor." Owen Wilson plays a con artist who exploits some socially inept teenagers for his own personal gain and finds love along the way. You know, I really do want to like movies. I always hope that each movie that comes out will be worthwhile and entertaining. And then movies such as "Drillbit Taylor" come out and a part of me dies inside like a cold, shivering child at the hands of a homicidal pedophile.

5. "10,000 B.C." Roland Emmerich deserves to have his cock rubbed with a nail file until there is nothing left of it. He is a blight on our world, creating distracting images that keep us from developing as a culture and attaining a state of true fulfillment. If you see any of his movies willingly, your soul will be poisoned forever and we won't let you on the spaceship when the rest of us go to explore the Universe.

6. "Never Back Down." Cage fighting and high school drama combined with "Karate Kid" to make some sort of uber-retardo plot about something that no one with an IQ higher than Econoline Van full of tweekers will ever care about.

7. "College Road Trip." I have this frightening vision sometimes that movies such as this are not actually written by anyone or approved by anyone. They just sort of enter development and are produced without anyone really knowing why, the product of a vast unseen evil that hides with the bureaucracy of major movie studios.

8. "The Bank Job." I'm probably going to go see this, if for no other reason than that it is the only movie on this list that does not look like a complete and utter piece of shit.

9. "Vantage Point." Stuff happens. It's confusing for awhile and then it starts to make a little bit of sense and then it ends. There, summed up the movie for you and I haven't even seen it.

10. "Under the Same Moon." Illegal immigrants are people too. They have obvious, saccharine family dramas made about them just like the rest of us.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Random News

Disposable Income Scattered to the Wind
People came out in droves this weekend to see Hollywood piss all over a beloved childhood classic and subsequently "Horton Hears a Who!" had the best opening weekend of a film so far this year. Expanding a book that couldn't have more than 500 words into a feature length film, "Horton" tells the tale of an elephant that can hear a microscopic civilization and attempts to protect it, thus imparting the valuable moral lesson that we should all listen to the voices in our heads and do what they say, even if other people tell us we're crazy.

Religious Persecution and Fart Jokes
Hindus are raising a ruckus over the new Mike Meyers comedy "The Love Guru," apparently for its stereotypical and insulting depiction of Hindu holy men. Not that you need a reason to protest the release of a new Mike Meyers film, as the man is about as funny as watching puppies get thrown into a stump grinder...over and over again...for a solid hour and a't...stop.

Paul Retains Custody of Ringo
Paul McCartney's ex-wife Heather Mills has been awarded nearly $50 million in their divorce settlement, an amount I believe Sir Paul was able to dig out from under his sofa cushions. The divorce will certainly inspire McCartney to write another album, to be played exclusively at Starbucks and to be purchased solely by his fellow pod people.

Rich People Breeding
Halle Berry recently gave birth to a baby girl. You know what this means, don't you? Someone has had sex with Halle Berry and it's not me. I guess I'll just have to hold out for Natalie Portman (I forgive you for the "Star Wars" prequels, sweetness, just promise you won't do it again).

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Coming Soon!

Here's a look at some of the upcoming releases audiences will be sure to just orgasm in their pants about:

March 21: "Drillbit Taylor." I'm guessing, based on the previews, that the release of this film was the reason for Owen Wilson's emo moment a couple months back. A couple of high school freshmen get picked on too much and hire a blah dee blah who gives a fuck? What has been released from the film so far couldn't be less funny if it involved the anal rape of starving Ugandan orphans, so unless they're holding back on us (the filmmakers, I mean, not the orphans) this will probably be a mild distraction for the inebriated and not much else.

March 28: "21." "Based on actual events" in much the same way your bowel movement this morning was based on the tandoori platter you ate last night. Young math wizards count cards and take casinos for millions. Notice how they shove all of the Asians into the background and sex everything up? This is supposed to a group of MIT students, right? Also, from the previews, the main character seems to need the money to pay for school, but is also shown getting phenomenal grades at one of the most prestigious universities in the country. Which would mean he would be eligible for big time scholarships, right? If you can't wrap up your glaring plot loopholes in the preview, then that doesn't imbue me with a lot of confidence for your project.

April 4: "Leatherheads." George Clooney attempts old-fashioned scewball comedy with this film about football players in 1925. The main plot thrust involves attempts to discover why Renee Zellweger never opens her eyes.

April 11: "Prom Night." A remake! A PG-13 horror film! A cast of nobodies and a television director! It couldn't possibly suck! (By the way, for you horror fans out there, director Nelson McCormick is also planning on shitting over "The Stepfather").

Monday, March 3, 2008

Top at the Box Office This Week

1. "Semi-Pro." Will Ferrell farts out another sports comedy, full of piddling "improvisation" and 1970's kitsch. Top at the box office, despite only pulling in just over $15 million, about half its expected earnings. Great start to the week.

2. "Vantage Point." Five points-of-view are tied together depicting an attempted presidential assassination. This is the sort of film that critics will call "Rashomon" style in order to sound informed, despite the fact that just telling a story from different perspectives doesn't make it anything like "Rashomon." Not that anyone will remember this film in three month's time.

3. "The Spiderwick Chronicles." I keep forgetting this movie exists. Then I have to write this list and I remember it for a moment and then it slips away again.

4. "The Other Boleyn Girl." Whenever I hear that a movie is about British royalty, my heartbeat drops a bit and my lids start to slide shut. Generally someone has to slap me in the face to keep me from lapsing right into a coma. Eye-candy of the year Scarlett Johansson and Natalie Portman star as sisters fighting for the affection of King Henry VIII, who murdered his friends and caused his country endless misery during his rule, starting his own religion because he wanted to bang one piece of ass rather than another. How romantic.

5. "Jumper." This still exists? Fuck, fuck, fuck.

6. "Step Up 2 the Streets." I'll sum up the entire appeal of this movie: jiggle jiggle jiggle.

7. "Fool's Gold." 20 years ago this would have starred Kurt Russel and Goldie Hawn. I guess Hawn's daughter will have to carry the torch with her own slab of beefcake by her side.

8. "Penelope." As soon as I hear the words "modern-day fairy tale about a princess who..." I die a little more inside. If we really wanted to make an old school fairy tale, the princess would end up raped by gnomes and someone's grandmother would be dismembered. Have you ever actually read any of the Grimm Brother's tales? The closest modern equivalent is "Tales from the Crypt."

9. "No Country for Old Men." Riding the post-Oscar rush, though I might add still earning less than all of the movies I have just mentioned.

10. "Juno." Yes, it is a good movie. No, it is not the best written film of this or any other year. I have said my piece.