Thursday, September 28, 2006

Top at the Box Office This Week

1. "Jackass Number Two," because apparently there is still endless appeal in watching Johnny Knoxville get hit in the balls by a hammer-wielding midget.

2. "Fearless," which is reported to be Jet Li's final action film before moving on to an acting career.


4. "Flyboys," which tells the story of some computer generated action scenes during WWI that are occasionally interrupted by a plot.

5. "Everyone's Hero," the film that even the death of director Christopher Reeve could not stop. Well, I can see how this could be good, I mean WHAT? IT'S AN INPIRATIONAL MOVIE ABOUT BASEBALL? FUCK YOU REEVE, YOU DEAD SON OF A BITCH!

6. "The Black Dahlia," which is directed by Brian De Palma. In a risky move, De Palma decided to ditch the entire story and just film actors exchanging meaningful glances in between rapid jump cuts and explosions of violence.

7. "All the Kings Men," which is the adaptation of the classic Robert Penn Warren novel, has a wonderful cast and a stylish director, and would certainly be an Oscar contender this year were it not marred by the fact that it apparently totally sucks monkey balls.

8. "The Illusionist." Bad accents! Fake beards! Magic! No wonder it's a hit!

9. "The Covenant," which is some shit to do with warlocks and was directed by the man who brought us "Cliffhanger" and "Deep Blue Sea." Yeah, this is real high on my list. Get to it right after I take up yoga. And go scuba diving. And rip out my own toenails with a pair of pliers. And set myself on fire.

10. "Little Miss Sunshine." Steve Carell with a beard. That statement sums up my feelings about this movie. It's up to you to decode them.

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Things That Cause Terrorism

A lot of controversy has surrounded the ABC miniseries "The Path to 9/11," which apparently depicts Democratic senators pissing on Ground Zero and George W. Bush single-handedly strangling Osama Bin Laden. It's good to know the self-deception and jingoistic spirit that followed the 2001 terrorist attacks is still alive and well in America.

The Special Ingredient in Coke
Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston have HOLY SHIT I'M TURNING INTO A LEMUR!

Happens All the Time
Apparently the death of Anna Nicole Smith's son Daniel has been deemed "suspicious" by authorities. So a 20-year-old man suddenly dies from a massive heart attack and all the sudden it's a criminal matter? What's this world coming to?

Thursday, September 7, 2006

Random Things

In News News
Katie Couric's first major story for the CBS Evening News was the first photograph of Suri Cruise to be released for the public. The photo will appear on an upcoming cover of Vanity Fair. Wait a sec, could someone tell me where all the news stories produced for grown-ups are? This is it? Fuck.

This Art is Shit
By the way, did you hear about that artist in New York who made a bronze representation of Suri Cruise's first solid stool? I understand that this is satire of a sorts, something about society's sick celebrity fetish, but you know someone is going to pay $25,000 for that thing and I'll just want to bash my head against a concrete wall until I can no longer retain new memories.

Guess What!
Mike Judge's new film, "Idiocracy," was given a limited release on September 1 and received about as much fanfare as a new Foghat tour. So let me get this straight: "Snakes on a Plane" arrives in theaters with loads of publicity and bales of unnecessary critical analysis despite having little going for it other than its title, while one of America's greatest satirist releases a new film and it passes like a fart in the wind? These are the kinds of things that make me want to hurt small, defenseless animals.

Friday, September 1, 2006

Top At the Box Office This Week

1. "Invincible," which tells the true story of a Philadelphia Eagles fan who enters an open tryout and whose dreams come true when he is selected to play for the team. Tragedy strikes when 30 years later his story is filmed as a hackneyed piece of Disney inspirational sports movie bullshit starring Mark Wahlberg.

2. "Talladega Nights: The Story of Ricky Bobby" stars Will Ferrell as a NASCAR driver. Which basically just lays out the whole thing for you right there.

3. "Little Miss Sunshine" is about.... Alan Arkin as a heroin addict? Okay, that sounds pretty cool.

4. "Beerfest" is a movie about some guys who like to drink and act like idiots. There is no actual film, just a giant mirror held up at the expected audience during each screening.

5. "World Trade Center" is the movie that shows us the inspirational, heroic side of the 9/11 tragedy so often passed over by other storytellers in the wake of the events. It's directed by Oliver Stone as he pathetically grasps for the last shreds of respect available to him.

6. "Accepted," in which a high school slacker has his ignorance and slovenly behavior rewarded after starting his own college. Anybody remember the film "Camp Nowhere"? I didn't think so.

7. "Snakes on a Plane." No, really, why is this movie important? No, really. I mean it. Why?

8. "Step Up" is some shit about a dance school. What, couldn't do something about spelling bees? Maybe throw in a FBI agent infiltrating a beauty pageant?

9. "Idlewild," in which OutKast makes a musical that is one half "Moulin Rouge" and one half a movie staring rap stars. Did this at any point sound like a good idea to anyone?

10. "Barnyard." No. Fucking. Way.